Getting Along Marvolosly
by voldy-wears-thongs
Summary: When Voldemort and Akito, two previous dark lords, become BFFs and get together for a fun sleepover full of nail painting and margaritas, what could possibly go wrong? Contains Voldy in a halter top and many mentionings of slapping hos. Please Enjoy.


"We really do get along marvelously," Akito ruminated, looking up at her new BFF, Voldy, who was busy examining his freshly painted unicorn-pink nails.

Voldemort fondly remembered slaughtering an animal this precise color and sipping it's blood. He had sipped that blood very daintily, he reminisced, if he did say so himself. Voldy thought himself quite the dainty fellow indeed. So did Akito. That's why they were BFFs, after all. That and the sexually repressed childhoods they had in common. Ah, for the sweet days of youth...

"Guuuurl, don't I know it," Voldemort ejaculated loudly, snapping his claw-like fingers in a decidedly "Z"-like formation. Akito winced. Lately, her new friend had been trying on a disturbingly ghetto persona. Akito was not a fan.

"Voldy, dear, about that..." she said, hesitantly.

"Bout what, sonnnn?" The Dark Lord said, swiveling his bald head like a very sassy hooker. Akito winced."This new...er...thing you've got going on. The voice and the..." Akito gestured at Voldy's shimmery gold halter top, cutoff Apple Bottoms, and Jordan sneakers that were probably large enough to serve as flotation devices for two small hippogriffs.

"Yeeeeeees, gurlfraaaan?" Voldemort said, raising a scarily circular drawn-on eyebrow. It was placed so high on his white head that it would have disappeared into his hair, had he possessed any. But alas, all Voldy owned was a pink unicorn sleeping bag and a couple of busted Horcruxes. What good was a Horcrux when it had that added "crux" on the end?

"Well, I just don't think this is the right look for you, do you understand what I'm trying to say? I'm just trying to help you," Akito finished, folding her hands in her lap. She was surprised at how nice she was being. Any other day and she would have slapped this creepy wangster with her favorite engraved paddle. Akito grinned, just thinking of all the hos she had slapped with that paddle back in the day filled her with awe. So, why was she being so nice now? She supposed Voldemort just brought out her good side. Friendship really was golden when two dark lords got together for a sleepover and a couple of 'ritas. At the current moment, however, The Volderskates did not seem to share her current mindset. One of his scary pink eyebrows was raised, the other hanging over his blood red eye in a frown.

"Ohhh, girl. I know you did NAWT just say dat," he spoke menacingly, his gold halter top flashing with anger.

"Well, see, dear friend, I believe I just did. It's not that you aren't rockin' this look, you really are, but I just don't think it's the perfect one for you. I mean, you should be wearing something more fierce. You used to be into all that dark stuff, you know, My Chemical Romance and killing people and all that. And now you're all...ermm...sassy. What happened?"

Voldemort blinked his narrow cat-like eyes. Akito thought a tear might have been forming if the Voldster had actually had the ability to produce any bodily fluids.

"I-I-I...I just haven't felt much like myself these days, I guess," You-Know-Who mused, dropping the gangstah chick act. "Ever since that pathetic revolution, I've been trying to escape myself and become something new. I haven't even killed any bitches in like four whole months! I guess I just thought some lipliner and some dissing finger snaps would fix everything, but they just don't!" he said, dissolving in loud, dry sobs.

"I understand," Akito said soothingly, patting her dear friend on his bony gold-clad back. "You see, I also haven't killed any bitches in like four months. That's just how life is. But, you know, I think it's time for us to get back out there. Put on our old, darker personas, and go back to who we used to be. Than we can go kill some bitches. Together."

Voldemort looked up at Akito, a shaky smile breaking through his sobs at his BFF's touching words. "Let's do it. Let's get some crazy Hot Topic outfits and kill. Some. Bitches."

"Oh, Voldemuffins!" Akito cried, wrapping her thin arms around him.

And then the two villains hopped cheerfully into Volemort's canary yellow Toyota and sped off to the mall. Arm-in-arm they skipped around the carts full of soap, cell phone cases, and hair appliances, their joy fueled by the promise of mass murder. And all was well. That is, until Akito spotted the curled purple script of a Clairs sign.

"Ehmahgawd Voldy, we should totally get some wicked matching NOSE PIERCINGS. It'd be totally fab. Everyone would be jealous." Akito gushed, dragging Voldy towards the store.

Suddenly Voldemort froze, his eyes widening. He turned slowly towards Akito's shining face."God Akito you're so STUPID! I can't get a nose piercing! I'm NOSELESS. You're so INSENSITIVE!" Voldemort cried, jerking his pale, hairless arm out of Akito's and running towards the food court.

And alas, no bitches were killed that fateful day.


End file.
